Thursday, October 15, 2009


I'm cranky and exhausted and in dire need of sleep even though it's only 10 p.m. and my normal bedtime is usually around 1 a.m. I hate being sick. I've spent the past six years being sick, I don't need to be sick in another context because it only serves as a reminder of the past and god knows I have enough of those. I'm angry at myself for accepting this cold/sinus infection/whatever the fuck as an excuIse to fuck around with my food. I'm honestly not even doing it on purpose - I have zero appetite whatsoever - but, I can recognize my sick, sadistic's mind enjoyment of how weak and vulnerable my body feels, of how exhausted I constantly am. I will never understand this. I'm mad at myself. I'm disappointed that I can't just be a normal human being. I'm tired of dealing with this and I'm tired of dealing with everything in relation to it. I want to go to sleep and stay in my bed for fucking ever because I'm mad at the world and mad at myself and UGH I AM SO FRUSTRATED. And, I am too tired to even write any of this coherently, so I imagine within an hour, I will pass out and wake up good as new because feelings are transient and I am retarded.

I don't want to be sick. I hate coughing and sniffling and taking cough medicine. It sucks. And, I just want to fucking whine about it. Yes, yes, I do. Have a problem? Didn't think so.

1 comment:

  1. Being sick sucks. But you will get better. And it does screw up you eating, that's not your ED talking to you (it will use it if you let it) it's just life.

    Hope you feel better, chicken soup does help. Or at least breating deep over the steam.