Wednesday, October 21, 2009


I am currently sitting in the Library's basement computer lab, and though I often value my time here in the library, I cannot say the same of today. I am fucking bored out of my right mind and have very little to do aside from sit here and rot. Quite lovely, no? Meh.

Though I am currently in the mood to complain my ass off, life is nothing short of wonderful currently, and I have honestly never been happier. I'm not sure what happened to shift my mood, but whatever it was, it's very much welcomed. This is not to say wasn't happy before - I totally was - but I've reached a plateau of happiness which seems to deflect even the slightest bit of negativity. This is slightly terrifying, especially seeing as I have never been capable of maintaining this level of happiness (or any level of happiness for that matter) for this long. I am afraid it will end. I almost shy away from writing about it because I feel I may jinx it. Isn't that silly? I am entitled to this happiness. I didn't have to earn it. It is mine regardless of the things that have occurred and the things I have done. It has just been hiding. Or rather, I've just been too miserable to recognize it.

I joined a co-ed fraternity at school and I'm SO thrilled about it. Last night was big-little night and I got my big (yay!) and my 'g-big' (grand yay!) and it was a really uplifting, self-esteem-boosting experience. I went home feeling comfortable, content, and resolved in the fact that I am a well-liked individual and I am well-liked because I am, essentially, myself. I don't maintain the same facades and I don't drown myself in fabricated stories. I find I no longer have the time. I say what I want to say and act how I choose. I don't expect this to please anyone else, but it pleases me and that's what's important. Those who enjoy my demeanor and honesty along the way are more then welcome. But, I no longer push it. Yet, somehow, bizarrely, and wonderfully, I stil manage to draw people in.

People like me. People think I'm an inspiration and honest and refreshing. I could never say these things about myself. I'm just reiterating. But, the fact that I even have these things to write down amaze me beyond comprehension. People don't think I'm a freak. They accept that I'm open and honest about my past and willing to discuss it at length and answer questions. I think throughout this entire recovery, that is my greatest, greatest present/gift. That people can accept who I am without judgement and love me even so. I am so happy and grateful and humbled for this. If there were a God, I would thank him.

I am so glad to have had this third shot at life. And, I'm so glad I have been making the very most of it. I WANT to tell people about this because I want to educate people. People need to know this isn't a joke disease and that this is very serious, serious shit. And, maybe from any other point of view, it could be dismissed. But, I have BEEN there and I have seen it all and here I am, by some amazing stroke of luck. And, because I am still here, because I lived in spite of every arrow pointing towards death, I feel it is my duty and my purpose in life to educate those who need education and help those who need the help. There is a reason I'm wired this way and I think I've finally found it. And, I'm really happy.

CJ is coming to visit today and I'm ecstatic. The week is just always way too long wthout him. I cannot wait to snuggle him and kiss him like crazy.

When did you get to be so GOOD?

1 comment:

  1. It is so wonderful that you can see how far you have come, and that you can appreciate the amazing person that you are. I'm glad that you are so happy, because yes, you do deserve it! I'm also glad that you are writing on your blog because I love coming here. It gives me hope and support because I saw you when you were really sick, and to hear that there really is recovery, as bumpy as it still may be sometimes, is inspiring, so thank you:)
    Sending you much love and hugs<3