I am currently sitting in the Library's basement computer lab, and though I often value my time here in the library, I cannot say the same of today. I am fucking bored out of my right mind and have very little to do aside from sit here and rot. Quite lovely, no? Meh.
Though I am currently in the mood to complain my ass off, life is nothing short of wonderful currently, and I have honestly never been happier. I'm not sure what happened to shift my mood, but whatever it was, it's very much welcomed. This is not to say wasn't happy before - I totally was - but I've reached a plateau of happiness which seems to deflect even the slightest bit of negativity. This is slightly terrifying, especially seeing as I have never been capable of maintaining this level of happiness (or any level of happiness for that matter) for this long. I am afraid it will end. I almost shy away from writing about it because I feel I may jinx it. Isn't that silly? I am entitled to this happiness. I didn't have to earn it. It is mine regardless of the things that have occurred and the things I have done. It has just been hiding. Or rather, I've just been too miserable to recognize it.
I joined a co-ed fraternity at school and I'm SO thrilled about it. Last night was big-little night and I got my big (yay!) and my 'g-big' (grand yay!) and it was a really uplifting, self-esteem-boosting experience. I went home feeling comfortable, content, and resolved in the fact that I am a well-liked individual and I am well-liked because I am, essentially, myself. I don't maintain the same facades and I don't drown myself in fabricated stories. I find I no longer have the time. I say what I want to say and act how I choose. I don't expect this to please anyone else, but it pleases me and that's what's important. Those who enjoy my demeanor and honesty along the way are more then welcome. But, I no longer push it. Yet, somehow, bizarrely, and wonderfully, I stil manage to draw people in.
People like me. People think I'm an inspiration and honest and refreshing. I could never say these things about myself. I'm just reiterating. But, the fact that I even have these things to write down amaze me beyond comprehension. People don't think I'm a freak. They accept that I'm open and honest about my past and willing to discuss it at length and answer questions. I think throughout this entire recovery, that is my greatest, greatest present/gift. That people can accept who I am without judgement and love me even so. I am so happy and grateful and humbled for this. If there were a God, I would thank him.
I am so glad to have had this third shot at life. And, I'm so glad I have been making the very most of it. I WANT to tell people about this because I want to educate people. People need to know this isn't a joke disease and that this is very serious, serious shit. And, maybe from any other point of view, it could be dismissed. But, I have BEEN there and I have seen it all and here I am, by some amazing stroke of luck. And, because I am still here, because I lived in spite of every arrow pointing towards death, I feel it is my duty and my purpose in life to educate those who need education and help those who need the help. There is a reason I'm wired this way and I think I've finally found it. And, I'm really happy.
CJ is coming to visit today and I'm ecstatic. The week is just always way too long wthout him. I cannot wait to snuggle him and kiss him like crazy.
When did you get to be so GOOD?