March 26th, 2007

"it's 8.52 p.m. on a monday night and i've been staring helplessly at this computer screen for nearly an hour, blank. my mind is entirely, alarmingly clear and i feel possibly more numb than i have in my entire life. well, i guarantee that's a lie, but at this moment, i feel so disgustingly numb that if you were to rip out my wisdom teeth at this very moment i would most likely experience nothing save a slight twinge of pain. odd, isn't it, how eating disorders tend to do that - leave you wholly emotionless and unscathed by even the most horrific of occurences? you could be purging your brains out one moment and sitting motionless the next and it's as if there's no difference at all. it's as if i've adapted so incredibly to the disease that has long tormented my physical and psychological being that to be simply resting is no different than hiding out in the bathroom, removing my body of what nourishes me. it's as if it's not me - but someone else, hunched over the shallow porcelain pool, divulging my innermost secrets and toils, all the while ridding my body of what it is it needs. i'm a shell of a person that once existed, or rather, once had the potential to exist, and i'm not anyone as i'm tying my hair up, eyes fogging my vision with tears of regret, becoming one with my disorder, becoming the disorder. i am the illness. i am the disease. i am no one.

yesterday, i fell back in love with ______. it's almost comical how on that last fateful day of our relationship we had been at a show, and on the day my heart fell enitely back into his hands, we were at a show. ironic, no? the day began relatively normal. i figured it'd be yet another day with him in which i felt bad for not being entirely devoted to our relationship and indifferent towards him in every way save a sexual one. i actually pegged it as a day on which i wouldn't be able to tolerate him at all. and for much of the day, it was like that. i looked at him and was met with this intense sense of disgust and hatred, reminiscent of that day, that night on which he ripped my heart from it's cavity and pummeled it to the ground. but somehow, in the course ofthe day, i softened. nostalgic, surrounded by memories of previous shows, and prior kisses and dates, i melted in his arms and felt my heart slipping back into his grasp again. he paid attention to no one else. only me. i felt the world slipping into place and the stars aligning again, even if only in my mind's eye. and i stood with my arms around him, draped around his neck, afraid to let go and have him leave again - petrified of yet another departure. and i imagine it will always be like this, until we make one last and final split. there will always be a biting paranoia nipping at my happiness, reminding me of his past misgivings, and my month of woe in which he ran off carelessly with another. i will never forget, and i will never entirely forgive. and every look into his eyes punctures my heart with yet another needle of truth - he hurt you. you had no say. he will do so again. and you will let him.

today i realized that my grandfather was dead. and oddly, i did not cry. but rather, i heard him laughing. is that odd? to be able to hear someone laughing even though they no longer exist physically? i heard his laughter and wished i could wrap myself within it forever. i miss him terribly. i despise how i've yet to fully accept that he's gone. gone, as in never, ever coming back. i have this crazy idea in my head that maybe if i ignore his death and pretend it never occurred, i can pretend he's still alive and still laughing and still telling his famed corny jokes. and maybe, if i don't acknowledge it for a long enough period of time, i'll foreget him altogetherwith, believing him to be someone else's grandpa, someone else's lost loved one - not mine.
i have three more grandparents to bury. four stepgrandparents. two parents. two stepparents. three aunts, two uncles, several cousins, possibly several siblings. is this how it's going to be every single time? is this impermeable sense of numbness going to encompass my brain every single time until i am completely, unpervadeable in every aspect of the word? am i bound to become an emotional quadraplegic - from the neck up? who am i to become? or rather, who am i now? and what am i becoming?
i want answers. i want people to stay alive. i want to stay alive. i'm actively dying and i find no problem with it. people aren't supposed to think as i do. people are supposed to be rational. and normal. and i am neither of those things.
and as i'm writing this, i can feel exhaustion overtaking my brain particle by particle and i'm growing excessively more and more tired with each progressing second and i swear, if i don;t cease my incessant babbling, i may fall asleep right at this very keyboard.

i can't stop purging. i hopelessly love my boyfriend and i've reached the point at which i'm terrified of losing him again. and my grandfather is gone forever. and i'd like to cry, but i can't find it in me to surpass the numbness that is currently encasing my brain like some sort of inpenetratable shield. i hate this. i hate myself. i wish i could somehow morph into someone else overnight and be someone who loves life. i don't. i never have. i don't think i ever will. this frightens me possibly more than anything else.
what am i going to do when i have nothing left?
who will i be when my eating disorders don't consume me,
and when ________ no longer loves me,
and when someone else i love passes away?
who will i be then?"

This makes me incredibly sad. But, on top of that sadness is pride. This is inexplicably well written and clear and honest. This is very clearly something I wrote for only my eyes, thus I didn't bother omitting anything or tacking on details. This is genuine and heartfelt and, above all things, REAL. I couldn't lie to myself. I knew that what I was doing was terrible. I knew I was numb. I knew I would die if I didn't cease. Unbelievable.

I have always been a smart girl. I just haven't always been a strong one. I have been dealt a rough hand, and for a long while, I used that as an excuse for everything. I don't anymore. I realized that being numb was no better than being dead. And, that I wanted to experience life and experience every emotion I had long since forgotten existed. I was so in love at this point in my life and I couldn't, for the life of me, feel it as much as I should have or could have. Because I was so stifled and so vulnerably and such a fucking train wreck.

I read this and can distinctly identify myself. I still write this way. And, there are times I still feel this way, though about different people and different things. I always thought that when this illness ceased, I would magically morph into a different person. I didn't. I'm still Jessica, only an improved version. My idiosyncrasies, flaws, and insecurities remain. I'm just better at countering them and accepting them. Which I am incredibly, nauseatingly thankful for.

I wish during this point of my life, I could have given life a chance. I was holding on so tight to things that couldn't save me and trying to kill myself to bring back the dead. Silly, silly girl. How sad.

But, how happy I am that I am alive. And, that I am okay. And, that I proved myself wrong.

Life is so good I've been forgetting to update.

I read these words by these thin little things, who are still so sick, but don't believe it. "I miss my eating disorder," they write, desperate to win back the only friend they've ever had. Little do they realize that they no longer recognize that dear friend's presence because it has become one with themselves.

I don't understand how anyone could miss that life. I know I don't. There are days I miss the relief, the silence, the way my clothes hung from my frame. But, there is not a single moment of life I would ever want to live under the thumb of this disorder ever again. And, I say that not to be cocky, or even confident. I say it because it amazes me, because it amazes me that it's true, coming from my own mouth, a mouth that, only a year ago, was too busy bent over the toilet to remember it had any other purpose.

I chose the life of starvation and bones because I did not know how to choose anything else. Because it gave me strength and safety in ways I had never, ever known and will most likely never know again. But, that previous safety and strength now display themselves quite clear to me as very dangerous and life-threatening. I starved to turn inwards, to reach deep within myself, to find my center. I failed to realize that by turning inward, I would fall backwards, because the darkness masked my eyes. I purged to violently acknowledge my body, my faults, my past. Because I wanted scars, I wanted to ache, bleed, rot. Everything I had, everything I was, felt like too much to handle and too much to love. I just wanted to vomit until I saw nothing, until I felt nothing but numbness. Until I felt the absence of pain, sorrow, anguish, suffering. But, the more I purge, the worse the pain and the agony and the sadness became. What I thought would silence the demons only served to make them louder. How foolish. How contradictory. How predictable.

I am above who I was. I am above all that I have done because I no longer do it. I took my head out of the toilet and I got off my knees. I stopped praying to the porcelain god that so controlled me and sought, instead, internal faith in my self, in my spirit. I woke up from the nightmare and got dressed, and got to work.

I am proud. I am happy. And, I am amazed. Still. Everyday. Every second.

self-admiration.

Everyday of my life that I do not starve, binge, purge, cut, and hate myself is the best day of my life.

And, I am so proud, and so glad, and so thankful every single day.

I had more chances to get better than I probably should have, but the amount of gratitude I possess for those chances is inexpressable and inexplicable. My life is worth so much more than any diet or calorie or number on a scale and I'm so glad to have finally realized that. There are people in this world that die from anorexia and bulimia. I made it out alive. I'm a one in a million chance and I know that. I will always have to be on my guard. One day from now, one week from now, one year from now, even ten years from now. This is not something I can ever be lackadasical with. And, God knows I won't.

I wake up in the morning and it isn't a struggle to look in the mirror, brush my teeth, get dressed, eat breakfast. I am so happy to open my eyes, pull up my shades, and greet each day as if it's my first.

Because, really, everyday is.

I miss my mother. I hate that I miss her. I hate that I am vulnerable and cannot live without her. I wish I were stronger. I wish I weren't so much like her.

It hurts me so much sometimes to look in a mirror, because I see her face. I am her child; I was made in her likeness. But, God, how I wish I didn't look so much like her.

She wants me to grovel. And, in turn, I want to grovel. Because she sounds right. She IS the mother, I have been wrong in the past. But, what have I done now? I'm sorry for being fifteen and angsty once upon a time, for having an eating disorder, for not being perfect. I'm sorry for being me, mom. But, I can't fucking HELP these things. I can't be at fault every second of my godforsaken life. Because I am, essentially, a good child. I have had my moments, and I accept that and admit blame. But, I never have been a quote-un-quote 'bad' child. I have received straight A's, made you proud, never stayed out later than you asked. I could have been a drug addict. I could have had promiscuous sex. I could have been a wild fucking handful. But, I wasn't. I've been sick and I've been sad, but I haven't been rebellious and terrible and intolerable. I have just been, for lack of better words, a kid. A teenager trying desperately to navigate through life without a steady foundation to rely on. And, I'm sorry for that.

I will never be perfect. I will never be the child you want. And, you will never be the mother I want.

But, I still love you regardless and it breaks my heart that I can't have you kiss me goodnight and hold me when I need you to. But, these things are long gone and I am an adult. And, I can't have what I want or what I need from you because you cannot provide. And, I guess that's okay.

I will live in spite of that. Just as I have lived in spite of it all.

My best friend speaks for these pictures.

"I knew you were thin - you were always thin. And, before you went away the first time, that was no different. You just looked thinner. And, I was so mad at you, even though we didn't talk, for walking around like that."


"Before you left for Florida, it was different. We were friends again - I was close to you. And, I remember pinning your dress back for homecoming, because it was too big, and though I should have been happy, all I could think was, "This person is dying, and this person is my best friend."

These pictures terrify me. The fact that I am the girl in the pictures, this skinny thing made up only of bones and taut flesh, is absolutely petrifying beyond reason and I just don't want to accept it. I just can't believe this is who I've been.

Also, I found this picture of myself from the summer before I left for Florida residential and it is the most horrifying picture I have ever seen of myself. I don't think I can bring myself to post it because it would be very triggering for other people that read this blog, but I have saved it and it is motivation for me to stay better whenever I need it. Many people would see a very thin picture of themselves as a trigger or an obsession. I see it is all the more reason to keep on keepin' on. This picture repulses me. And, sometimes I need the reminder that bones aren't as pretty as they seem, sometimes.

Take Your Time (Coming Home), fun.

THE MOST PERFECT, APPLICABLE LYRICS EVER.

See, of everyone who called,
Very few said "We believe in you."
The overwhelming choice said
I'm just a boy inside a voice
and if that's true, if that's true, if that's true,
then what the fuck have I been doing the last six years?
How did I end up here?
How did I find love and conquer all my fears?
See, I made it out.
Out from under the sun.
And the truth is that I feel better because I've forgiven everyone.

Now I'm not scared
of a song
or the states,
or the stages.
I'm not scared.
I've got friends,
took my call,
came courageous.
Now I feel like I am home.

One more think, I keep having this dream
where I'm standing on a mountain
Looking out, on the street
I can hear kids in low-income housing singing
"We're through with causing a scene"
I don't know what it means
But I too, I'm through with causing a scene.


<33333

I am a very happy girl lately. I really am.
I am so thankful for my life, and the fact that I can get up in the morning, let alone breathe, eat, dress. I sometimes take for granted how difficult even the most minute tasks used to be, like getting up from my chair, brushing my teeth, applying mascara. These things are now effortless. And, I couldn't be more grateful. I can breathe without the weight of the world on my chest. I'm not keeling over from stomach pains, hiding in corners to stifle its growls. I eat because I need to, because I want to, and because I deserve to. This is what life looks like. This is what life FEELS like. And, I am damn fucking proud. I am a good person. I have come so goddamn far. And, not a single fucking person can stand in my way. I have my head in the air and I won't look down, not now, not ever.

Take that, ED. You're fucking DONE.

Degrassi re-runs and inexplicable exhaustion.

I love my boyfriend very, very much. I feel like that's the only thing I ever write about anymore, but I think that's okay, right? It's good to be happy. Especially given the train wreck that was last week, it was nice to have a distraction and snuggle with my love. My sister was over for the weekend (and a majority of the week, too), so she was a nice addition to my distraction time, as well. But, now they're both gone, so I'm slightly lonely. My four year old brother, though entertaining at times, isn't exactly on the same emotional or mental level that I am, thus making communication both hard and slightly useless. At this age, he's a play-thing. I can't expect him to understand the intricate puzzles my brain weaves or why I feel like shit on any given day. His age bars him from interpreting the depth of human emotion. Which makes a fair bit of sense, given that he is four and that age is entirely about egocentricity (it fits, trust me). But, I do wish he were older sometimes. Just so we could watch Law and Order instead of Wonderpets.

Not to go off on a completely different tangent altogether...
But, have you ever looked at someone and been completely baffled as to how they became a part of your life? That's how I feel about my boyfriend. Like, everytime we're together, I look at him and I'm like, 'lolwut?' A part of my brain still has yet to register the information, even with it being nearly four months. Truth be told, I really never expected him to be my boyfriend, nor did I expect it to progress as it is. I think I'm still in slight paralytic shock, because I'm still not entirely accustomed to being able to hold someone's hand and kiss them on the cheek (which probably explains why I want to do this every single second he's around). I don't know. I spent three years waiting for the second things would end only to find myself in a relationship that I still can't believe has started. Because of this, I savor every second and wish and wish and wish for more of them, because what I'm given just never feels like enough. It's a very bizarre contrast, but a welcomed one. I'd rather be wishing for more time because I can't bare my life without the presence of my boyfriend than wait on the moment when that time will end. I don't know if our time will end. I'm 19 now. An adult (Weird, ain't it?). Relationships aren't the same once you pass high school by. They're infinitely more mature, more sensical, more concrete. I don't have to search for things and decode blog entries and status lines. Things are as they appear and that's how they should be. I don't have to fight for love or attention because I have them both, and in bountiful quanities, for which I'm grateful. Very grateful.
With my ex, I was obsessive, and ridiculous, and in eight different places at once. Nothing was ever enough and all I wanted was more, more, more, more, which no one could ever provide, yielding massive, superfluous waves of disappointment. I realize now I was insatiable. Nothing could have squelched my desire for human contact, not even someone I loved beyond my own comprehension, someone I knew loved me back. Instead of accepting that love, I pushed it away and claimed it didn't exist, terrified of my own inadequacies and my own flaws. And, this was that relationship's death knell.
That same desire isn't at play here. I've been sated. I'm well, I'm happy, and I'm healthy. My boyfriend fell in my lap and just added to the satisfaction of hungers. I love him to the point where it's damn near nauseating, but I don't feel stunted by it, or disabled in any way. In fact, if anything, it enriches my day to day life because I feel so privileged to be able to give and receive that 'I love you' at the end of each day, something I have so desperately pined for for over a year. I don't feel obsessive or clingy. I feel like a girlfriend should feel. I feel...happy. And, calm. And, I thank God. Or whoever's listening.

I'm glad I have this relationship. That I have all of the relationships I have. I'm luckier than most. I can't say I'll be able to maintain all of these relationships, friendships, etc, forever. Things end, people change, life goes on. But, as for now, I am living in the present and enjoying what life has to offer, even if I'm so tired as I write this, I'm drooling on the keyboard.

I think it's time for sleep.

Tired.

It's been a trying few days. To say the very least. I'm not sure why, either, I've just been emotionally rollercoastering it since around Sunday night to the point where I'm ready to kick myself in the head just to stop it from reeling so much.

I'm not a very angry person. Or, rather, I have a tendency to get exceptionally angry exceptionally fast, but given I have no freakin' idea how to channel it, it just turns inwards and explodes. Thus explaining my terrible, terrible body image this week and the re-emergence of a whisper of what was once my very loud, very menacing eating disorder voice.

This really scares me. Terrifies me. Beyond comprehension. Last time I delved into recovery, the seven month mark was the end. I said, 'the hell with it,' and gave up.

Before Philly, I never really learned how to live. I thought treatment would cure me. I thought if someone fed me for long enough, I'd get the hang of it, and I'd be able to cruise on through life like nothing had ever happened. Not quite.
I learned what living looked like. I went through the motions. I woke up everyday, ate my breakfast, lunch, and dinner, and went to bed. Those three meals were exhausting enough to leave me with nothing inbetween. It wasn't until I found my way to Philadelphia that I not only learned what living looked like, but also what it felt like, and what it felt like to live well. I've come to notice there is a significant difference between simply living and living happily, and living without tethers, which is what I have been doing for the past 7 months. But, I cannot deny that this does not scare the absolute fucking bejesus out of me.

I've had these seven months before. And, I've had them mean nothing in a matter of minutes. It's too easy. It's a lot of pressure to put on myself to say things like, 'I can't slip,' or even 'I won't slip,' because things happen, and it's not unrealistic. But, I'm terrified at the thought. I know purging doesn't sound appealing to most people. It honestly doesn't really sound very attractive to me a large majority of the time either. But, after that purge is a relief I can get from nothing else and relief I have sought in anything and everything I could. I know I won't purge. I know myself. I know my strength and my ability to counteract this voice in my head and I know, wholeheartedly, that I can say no. But, there is a piece of me that understands why I would want to and why I have in the past. Because it has brought me quiet. Perhaps not peace, but silence, numbness, isolation. A sheer moment where everything was blank enough for me to forget. Sometimes I need that moment.
But, I can't have it. I need to keep telling myself that.

Life is frustrating. That's its nature. I can't expect anything else. I have to make do with what I'm given, what I have, and what comes at me. And, I have faith that I will.

Tomorrow I have to march my ass into the registrar's office and cause a motherfuckin' scene and a half because I refuse to register with freshmen. I am above that and I will not tolerate Wagner's incompetency. I won't freak out (mainly because I did already), but I will stand my ground if nothing else. I just hope I don't kill anyone.

On that note. I think I'm off to bed. My sister's here and I'm so glad. I love her.
And I have therapy and group tomorrow. Thanks be to fucking sweet Jesus above because I am about a nanosecond away from losing my motherfuckin' mind over here without therapy for like, three weeks. Just goes to show medication isn't everything! Teehee.
night.

I have to leave for class in about a nano-second

So this shall be quick.

I have one simple point to make.

Hypocrisy is an interesting, interesting thing, and one I refuse to play a part in. Perhaps in the past, yes, I did, and quite well. I was sicker than sick, yet advised people in a similar predicament to do otherwise. The tattoo on my back while I shrunk and shrunk. That is hypocrisy. I'm not proud of it. But, I own it, and I accept it.

For other people, it's not so simple. Apparently I broadcast my life on the internet. Maybe I do. Do I care? No. Not at all. I'd say it to everyone's face. I don't need the internet. It's just a medium I use. I offer no excuses. Maybe sometimes I go a little too far. Whatever the case, I do not apologize for the things I say. I say them because I mean them and for my own personal catharsis. I'm not trying to prove a point to anyone.

I find it amusing that I detail my life moment by moment on the interweb when just baout everyone else in the entire world sits behind a similar computer screen pulling the exact same shit. So, if you're going to point a finger, at least look in the fucking mirror.

Much improved.

My last entry was a bit of a doozy and I apologize to those of you who actually took the time to read it. I'm not quite sure what even triggered it, but I'm glad that I got over it and moved on.

This weekend has been nothing short of absolutely amazing. There are very few people on this earth that can distract me when I'm immersed within my eating disorder voice, but my boyfriend seems to be one of those few people and I am eternally grateful for that. I am eternally grateful for him, period, because I am so lucky and so happy to have him in my life and I thank whatever God there may be everyday for him because he's almost too good to be true.

If you had told me at this time last year that I would've gotten over my ex and that I would've been in a new relationship by the following year, I'd have laughed in your face. It wasn't because I didn't want to believe that I could be happy again in another relationship. A part of me just didn't want to be because I didn't want to accustom myself to someone unfamiliar when I already had someone that was familiar to me and knew me for my quirks and idiosyncrasies and loved me anyway. What I failed to recognize, then, was that the relationship with my ex was long over. Not by any fault of either one of us, it just was. That's what happens with high school relationships. They end. They teach us a great deal about life and heartache (mine did, anyway), but they teach us those things as a means of surviving what is to come. And, though I can't exactly contribute my recovery and my triumph over my many trials to my break-up with my ex, I know it had a fair deal to do with it all because that in and of itself was one of my greatest losses and one of the most difficult things I have ever had to come to terms with. And I came to terms with it. And, I lived in spite of that loss. And, I found love again, even though I never thought I would.

It wasn't that I didn't think I'd love again. I knew I'd love again, but I didn't think I'd actually mean it. I am a very loving, affectionate person. It's in my nature to love and care for. But, love and in love are two entirely different sentiments, and though I thought i'd love someone, definitely, I wasn't so sure I'd ever be IN love with anyone again, mainly because the first time I was in love, it nearly killed me.

Well, I proved myself wrong for the second time in the last year because I am in love, and I am so happy it amazes me every single second of my day. I look at my boyfriend and I wonder, "Where the FUCK did you come from and why of all people, did you choose me?" But, I know that I deserve him. I've been through a lot of shit. Understatement of the year, honestly. I've been hurt, trodden on, taken advantage of, and all the inbetween. And, let's not forget that I've been sicker than sick throughout all of this. But, I got better. And, I started to assert myself and create an identity for myself. And, I'm a strong person. I have successfully molded myself into the person I wanted so desperately to be, and though I'm still working out some of the kinks, I have never been more proud. And, this alone makes me realize that I deserve every good thing, and I especially deserve for someone to treat me the way CJ does. Because so far as relationships go, I've been treated like motherfuckin' shit. And, it's nice to experience a contrast.

I meant to segue this into another topic as well, and I will do so, though I'm sure not many people want to read this. But, not many people read this anyway, so I don't particularly care. Anyway! Onward.

In my previous relationship, and during all of my other sexual encounters, sex has never exactly been something that I thought very positively about. I had a boyfriend for three years, yet I felt like a slut every time we had sex, even though he never necessarily felt that way towards me. It was just something I internalized. When I was younger, my mother and a great deal of older relatives I had articulated to me that sex was something for dirty girls and that young, intelligent girls such as myself were supposed to wait until marriage. Given the generation, society, and culture I live in, I know for a fact that that whole spiel is bullshit, though it became ingrained. Thus, when I finally had sex, it was something I was very, very ashamed of. Hence, my relapse shortly thereafter.

I had sex with the same person for nearly two years. Yet, I never felt good about it and I was never okay enough to talk about it openly. I also was very inhibited in regards to the act in and of itself, thus making the sex not always necessarily something I enjoyed. It wasn't that I dreaded it. I didn't. I just felt like I did it solely because I knew it was what my boyfriend at the time wanted and because I loved him. Those are the wrong reasons. I should have done it because I was ready. Instead, I did it because I wanted him to know how much I loved him and I wanted to share that with him. In the end, I used it to try to keep him. I realize now these were not healthy ways of viewing sex or using sex. Even after my ex, I never used sex correctly or experienced it in a healthy way. Most of my sexual experiences post my ex were either drunkely or highly influenced and I was very often ashamed of my body, so much so that it made my wonder why I was even bothering. I realize now, in retrospect, that I desperately, desperately seeked the validation the sex brought me. It wasn't the sex I wanted. It was the recognition that someone wanted me, enough so to bring me home and undress me and use me for something as precious as sex. I didn't understand at the time that I was nothing more than an object, that sex wasn't precious at all.

I could go on all day about this. About how I abused sex and about how I regret it. I do. I really do. I made a lot of poor choices with a lot of really shitty people and I wish I could take these things back. I respect the fact that I did these things because I was sick. I do not however, respect my reasoning. Whatever the case, I don't consider myself slutty. Mainly because I never enjoyed myself. I can honestly say I've never had a fulfilling sexual experience, or even a decent one. Well, until now, that is, haha.

I won't go into detail because it's unnecessary, but I think I've finally reached a point where sex is no longer something I'm ashamed of, nor is it something I'm ashamed of wanting. I'm a human being. I'm entitled to a sexual appetite. In fact, I was born with the primal instinct of wanting sex. Thus, I no longer feel bad for it. I finally feel comfortable enough within my body and within myself to release my inhibitions and just go with it and enjoy it. If used correctly, I feel like sex can be one of the most enriching things in a relationship. Maybe not for all people, but it has been for mine. Prior to this relationship, sex ruined things for me. It became the center around which things revolved and this upset me very much. Now, sex is just a bonus and something that is not the sole basis of my relationship with my boyfriend and not something we use each other for. We love each other and that's evident. I don't feel pressure into doing anything and I don't feel dirty after the fact. I feel fulfilled and happy and healthy and accomplished. (Accomplished mainly because this is something I can finally do without hesitance and negative associations, not because of the act itself, haha). I genuinely though sex would always be a very difficult thing for me. I now realize it doesn't have to be. And for that alone, I'm very, very happy.

Thus, to wrap up this entry -
I am happy. Very happy. Maybe it nauseates people. Maybe it's all I talk about. I don't care. I can't (and won't) conceal my love and affection. It's just unfair to me at this point, haha. Whatever the case, I am thriving and couldn't be more happy just to be alive.

the end.