I love my boyfriend very, very much. I feel like that's the only thing I ever write about anymore, but I think that's okay, right? It's good to be happy. Especially given the train wreck that was last week, it was nice to have a distraction and snuggle with my love. My sister was over for the weekend (and a majority of the week, too), so she was a nice addition to my distraction time, as well. But, now they're both gone, so I'm slightly lonely. My four year old brother, though entertaining at times, isn't exactly on the same emotional or mental level that I am, thus making communication both hard and slightly useless. At this age, he's a play-thing. I can't expect him to understand the intricate puzzles my brain weaves or why I feel like shit on any given day. His age bars him from interpreting the depth of human emotion. Which makes a fair bit of sense, given that he is four and that age is entirely about egocentricity (it fits, trust me). But, I do wish he were older sometimes. Just so we could watch Law and Order instead of Wonderpets.
Not to go off on a completely different tangent altogether...
But, have you ever looked at someone and been completely baffled as to how they became a part of your life? That's how I feel about my boyfriend. Like, everytime we're together, I look at him and I'm like, 'lolwut?' A part of my brain still has yet to register the information, even with it being nearly four months. Truth be told, I really never expected him to be my boyfriend, nor did I expect it to progress as it is. I think I'm still in slight paralytic shock, because I'm still not entirely accustomed to being able to hold someone's hand and kiss them on the cheek (which probably explains why I want to do this every single second he's around). I don't know. I spent three years waiting for the second things would end only to find myself in a relationship that I still can't believe has started. Because of this, I savor every second and wish and wish and wish for more of them, because what I'm given just never feels like enough. It's a very bizarre contrast, but a welcomed one. I'd rather be wishing for more time because I can't bare my life without the presence of my boyfriend than wait on the moment when that time will end. I don't know if our time will end. I'm 19 now. An adult (Weird, ain't it?). Relationships aren't the same once you pass high school by. They're infinitely more mature, more sensical, more concrete. I don't have to search for things and decode blog entries and status lines. Things are as they appear and that's how they should be. I don't have to fight for love or attention because I have them both, and in bountiful quanities, for which I'm grateful. Very grateful.
With my ex, I was obsessive, and ridiculous, and in eight different places at once. Nothing was ever enough and all I wanted was more, more, more, more, which no one could ever provide, yielding massive, superfluous waves of disappointment. I realize now I was insatiable. Nothing could have squelched my desire for human contact, not even someone I loved beyond my own comprehension, someone I knew loved me back. Instead of accepting that love, I pushed it away and claimed it didn't exist, terrified of my own inadequacies and my own flaws. And, this was that relationship's death knell.
That same desire isn't at play here. I've been sated. I'm well, I'm happy, and I'm healthy. My boyfriend fell in my lap and just added to the satisfaction of hungers. I love him to the point where it's damn near nauseating, but I don't feel stunted by it, or disabled in any way. In fact, if anything, it enriches my day to day life because I feel so privileged to be able to give and receive that 'I love you' at the end of each day, something I have so desperately pined for for over a year. I don't feel obsessive or clingy. I feel like a girlfriend should feel. I feel...happy. And, calm. And, I thank God. Or whoever's listening.
I'm glad I have this relationship. That I have all of the relationships I have. I'm luckier than most. I can't say I'll be able to maintain all of these relationships, friendships, etc, forever. Things end, people change, life goes on. But, as for now, I am living in the present and enjoying what life has to offer, even if I'm so tired as I write this, I'm drooling on the keyboard.
I think it's time for sleep.