Wednesday, November 18, 2009

I miss my mother. I hate that I miss her. I hate that I am vulnerable and cannot live without her. I wish I were stronger. I wish I weren't so much like her.

It hurts me so much sometimes to look in a mirror, because I see her face. I am her child; I was made in her likeness. But, God, how I wish I didn't look so much like her.

She wants me to grovel. And, in turn, I want to grovel. Because she sounds right. She IS the mother, I have been wrong in the past. But, what have I done now? I'm sorry for being fifteen and angsty once upon a time, for having an eating disorder, for not being perfect. I'm sorry for being me, mom. But, I can't fucking HELP these things. I can't be at fault every second of my godforsaken life. Because I am, essentially, a good child. I have had my moments, and I accept that and admit blame. But, I never have been a quote-un-quote 'bad' child. I have received straight A's, made you proud, never stayed out later than you asked. I could have been a drug addict. I could have had promiscuous sex. I could have been a wild fucking handful. But, I wasn't. I've been sick and I've been sad, but I haven't been rebellious and terrible and intolerable. I have just been, for lack of better words, a kid. A teenager trying desperately to navigate through life without a steady foundation to rely on. And, I'm sorry for that.

I will never be perfect. I will never be the child you want. And, you will never be the mother I want.

But, I still love you regardless and it breaks my heart that I can't have you kiss me goodnight and hold me when I need you to. But, these things are long gone and I am an adult. And, I can't have what I want or what I need from you because you cannot provide. And, I guess that's okay.

I will live in spite of that. Just as I have lived in spite of it all.

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