Tuesday, August 11, 2009


My mother, for some reason unbeknownst to me, woke me up obscenely early for work this morning, so I decided some big-sister-little-sister-bonding was in order. Charlotte loves my webcam - she calls it 'funny faces!!' - so I let her take some pictures with me.

When Charlotte was born, I was sixteen, and completely and utterly uninterested. I had very little feeling towards her and or about her, mainly because I hadn't desired another sibling (two was quite enough, I thought), and also because I was slightly preoccupied, hold the slightly. I lost a large amount of time with her mainly due to my illness - I was far too busy bingeing, purging, starving, and holing myself up in my room isolating myself endlessly to pay attention to a few month old infant. God knows I barely even paid my boyfriend at the time any mind, let alone my little sister, whom did very little save eat and sleep, two things I couldn't do. I resented her. In retrospect, this seems absurd, even a little selfish, but given the predicament I found myself in, I can't find fault with my behavior. I was ill, probably more ill than anyone, particularly myself, recognized, and I hated that the attention I so desperately wanted belonged solely to her.
I am not that girl anymore; I am not sick anymore. I am not pushing Charlotte away because I'm too tired and too cranky to play with her. In fact, I wake up in the morning desperate to see her, to hug her, to spend time with her. She provides me with more motivation than she'll ever know. She is such a beautiful, affectionate, darling little girl and I could not be luckier to have her in my life. I know I've lost more time with her than I can compensate for, what with all my hospital visits and such, but what counts is today, and that's what I'm spending with her.
I hope when she's older she realizes how much I love her and how much she's meant to me in my recovery.I really, really do.
And even if she doesn't, I hope she at least thinks I'm kickass.