Monday, August 31, 2009

I think of all the things I could have had had I done it right the first time. A comfortable dorm, Chelsea by my side, respect from my fellow classmates, the esteemed position of Honors College, the beaming pride radiating from my parents. Instead, I have this - my bedroom, shared with Carissa, no Chelsea, no respect, just bizarre looks as I'm now a new student, normal, non-honors classes, and the disappointment of my parents. The disappointment in myself.

I know I need to be grateful and all of that bullshit, but I'm not. Am I happy to have a second chance? You bet your fucking ass. I am going to work incredibly hard on all of my assignments and not let a single night go to waste partying and being lazy. I want to graduate with honors, knowing I should have been at a different school, but that I made it, period. But, maybe I don't want to work so hard. Adelphi was comfortable, coddling, slow. I could slip beneath the radar, forget a homework assignment, or two, text my way through class after class. I didn't even have to be at class at all, come to think of it. I could just sleep my days away, slowly starving to death in bed, avoiding the entirety of the student body, and hand my papers and assignments in whenever it suited me.
And, as I sit here, missing the likes of that, I have to wonder - was it worth it? Is that what I really want?

What I really want is to be happy. With myself, and with my life. I'm always going to be disappointed that I missed out on the ultimate college experience, that I fucked myself sideways, genuinely believing running away from home would be the solution to my problems. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for it, honestly. Perhaps I'll make peace with it, but forgiveness is going to be rather difficult in this case, especially seeing as I knew all along that Adelphi was not the right choice. It was just the farthest one.

It wasn't worth it. I nearly lost my life a third time in three years because I was too far away for anyone to notice and too wrapped beneath my bedcovers to give a damn. I realized immediately that Adelphi was not my quote-un-quote dream college, so I decided, for reasons still unbeknownst to me, to starve as punishment. But, the emptiness was too much. So, I reached for the food and kept reaching, desperate to fill the hollow void that had somehow developed within myself. But, the surfeit, the gluttony of my weak hand could not be tolerated and before I could ever convince myself otherwise, I would throw back the feast, empty again. Empty, exhausted, and numb, the most important of all.

I want to appreciate Wagner, I want to appreciate this second chance at education, life, freedom, but a part of me is so angry with myself, so angry with everything. I just wanted something to work out one time, just one time, and instead of working out, it fucking fell on my head and crashed, crashed, crashed. Typical. I want to change minds. I'm not the typical Jessica anymore, I'm not a mess. Touch me, I'm opaque, my skin is supple, its coloring healthy as opposed to the previous ashen gray. I'm no longer translucent. And, I can do this. Maybe I'm not a straight A student. Maybe I'm not perfect. Maybe this was what was supposed to happen for some bizarre reason I have yet to understand or come across. Maybe only time will tell.

I have no excuses. My work is now my work. Nothing belongs to my disorder. The work, the school, the education, the degree - mine. No one else's. I have to be an adult. I have to stick my nose in the fucking air and not give a fuck. I just have to push on through and live my life, and inevitably, live the way I want and have always wanted to. I am a freed bird. God knows I've had Stockholm syndrome in the past, but I'm fucking done. No more cages for me.
Fly, fly, fly.


  1. Very nice post. And letting go is very hard. Just remember the longer it last's the harder it is to let go and the more regrets you have. That's where you need to start focusing "No more!". It suck's that you missed the "dream" but take an afternoon have a little pitty party for yourself and feel good and sad and then let yourself know that it's over, it's past. You can take away it's power and move on. You can't change what you've done but you don't have to let it control the rest of your life!

  2. I'm still by your side dear. Remember that.